 By: Tonya Ladipo
There are many different
ideas about why we don't seek therapy. Some believe that it
is only for wealthy, White people, others believe that you
don't go outside the family with your problems. Some of
these thoughts keep us struggling more than we need to. Here
are some of the more prevalent ones.
"But I'm not touched"
Many of us think you have
to be "touched" or "crazy" to go to therapy." While it's
true that some people with mental health issues seek
therapy, it's really a service for anyone. Therapy is a paid
service that connects you with a trained professional who
provides you with the support you need to live a healthier
and happier life.
When I first met "Andre" he
was apprehensive about seeking therapy. For many months, he
questioned whether or not he should be in therapy. Overall,
he felt that his life was manageable and that he did not
have enough problems to go to therapy, after all he had a
job and people who cared about him. He certainly was not
"crazy". After several discussions about the purpose of
therapy and its benefits to him as a rationale person, Andre
accepted his desire for therapy. In fact, in a recent
session Andre said that the healthiest people he knows are
all in therapy. He realizes that therapy is a place that can
benefit everyone, not just a small segment of the
population. Andre further explained that the people he knows
who have the most problems aren't in therapy. Of course, as
a therapist, this makes perfect sense to me. Recognizing
that your life is not how you want it to be or that you need
additional support takes a lot of courage and
self-reflection. These are not the thoughts of a "crazy"
person. Rather, this is the thought process of someone who
has a sense of who they are and wants more from their life
and themselves.
"I can talk to my friends
and family"
Why do you need to go
outside of your family/church/friendship circle to get the
help and support you want? Sometimes, you don't. But
sometimes, going outside of that comfortable and familiar
circle will propel you to make the changes that you want to.
When people talk with their family or friends, many times
they don't tell them everything that's going on in their
head or in their lives. This isn't to be deceptive, but
because you care about your family and friends and you care
what they think about you.
Keisha came to see me
because she was thinking about leaving her husband. She
recently found out that he had an affair. Her family adored
her husband and she was afraid of what they would say. She
hadn't made up her mind about leaving, but she needed
someone to talk to, someone who wouldn't immediately tell
her what to do, whether that meant leaving or staying.
When you're concerned with
what the other person is thinking and feeling, you cannot
focus on yourself and your own needs 100%. That's the
benefit of therapy. You can share all of your thoughts and
feelings without being concerned about the therapist. In
doing this, you can focus on you, what you need, what you
want, and ways to accomplish that. Sometimes people are more
honest when they go outside their circle of family and
friends. As backwards as it may sound, it can be easier to
talk to a stranger, easier to share your feelings, fears and
pleasures with someone who you do not see everyday.
Keisha was relieved to talk
about her marriage, what her husband did wrong and what she
did wrong with someone who did not judge her or tell her
what to do. This freedom allowed her to be honest with
herself and decide what she believed to be best for her.
Ultimately, she decided to stay and work on her marriage.
Keisha said that she was glad that she used therapy to help
her sort this out. Had she gone to a friend, they might have
told her to leave "that no good . . . ." And her family may
have told her to stay in the marriage, to stick it out "for
better or worse". Keisha realized that she needed to come to
her decision on her own, not to be told by others what to
do.
Does this mean that your
family and friends aren't helpful to you? Absolutely not.
Instead, it means that therapy can add to the support that
they provide, by giving you support in a very different way.
Therapy can provide you with an objective person who can
help you review your options as you decide what is best for
you.
"It's just another racist
system"
As African-Americans, we
are aware of the persistent racism in our country. This is
true on a large scale as well as in our daily interactions.
We have many reasons to be suspicious of outsiders, to be
distrustful of their motivations and actions. The Tuskegee
Syphilis Experiment is a perfect example of why we are wary
of outsiders.
Our schools consistently
peg our children as aggressive, out of control, and low
achieving. We have to fight to receive the same service as
our White counterparts, whether it's in our schools,
hospitals or office. Going to therapy poses another
opportunity to encounter racism and discrimination if you're
met with an insensitive or ignorant therapist.
When I worked in an agency,
I often saw African-American clients who said in the first
session, "I'm so relieved that you're Black." Some said that
they felt more comfortable with an African-American
therapist because they could talk about life and their
culture without having to teach or explain the basics.
Others did not like the racism they encountered with White
therapists.
"Ayanna", an
African-American woman in her 30's with two children,
previously met with a White therapist before coming to see
me. She was put off when the therapist began asking
questions. The therapist wanted to know about her
educational history and was surprised when Ayanna said that
she went to college. She then asked how many years of
college Ayanna completed, rather than assuming that Ayanna
had a college degree, as she does. When the therapist asked
about Ayanna's children and family, she asked if the
children had the same father and where was he? At this point
Ayanna knew that she wouldn't be comfortable with a
therapist who assumed that she was not formally educated and
had children with different men simply because she is
African-American.
Why African-Americans can
benefit from therapy?
"So why bother?" With all
of the struggles and oppressions that we face on a daily
basis we need an outlet. We need a comfortable environment
where we can talk about the impact oppression has on us and
talk about healthy and productive ways to deal with it.
Holding in the pain, frustration, anger, and sadness eats at
you, leaving you feeling angry and dissatisfied, not a
rewarding way to go through life.
When you find an effective therapist, therapy can be a place
to gain support and find more satisfying ways to live life.
It is the one place, perhaps the only place, where you don't
have to have all of the answers and you don't have to worry
about the person sitting across from you. It is a place
where you only have to worry about yourself and your needs.
Therapy provides an objective perspective from a trained
professional. The therapist's objectivity comes from not
having a personal relationship with you. The therapist knows
you now, as you are, not as you were. They can provide
feedback based on what they see now, not based on how you
used to be. Although our family and friends may love us and
provide us with support, they cannot be objective like an
outsider. Unlike personal relationships, a therapist has no
ulterior motives; the only motive is to make the changes in
your life that you decide to make.
How can African-Americans
find a therapist?
First, figure out what is
important to you. Do you care what race your therapist is?
What about gender? If you think that seeing an
African-American therapist is necessary for you to be open
and honest with them, then look for that. If you're not
sure, then try a few different therapists out and see what
feels right to you. Also, don't be afraid to ask for what
you want. Remember, this is a service that you're paying
for; you are the client. As a paying customer, you have the
right to ask for what you want. From there, the therapist
can tell you if they are able to provide that service. If
they cannot, ask them to give you referrals until you find
what you're looking for.
Before scheduling an
initial session, determine the therapist's fee and make sure
that you can afford it. Therapy is a useful tool that helps
people in times of crisis and fosters growth in times of
reflection. However, it is not as useful if you are not
committed to it. So make sure that you can afford the
therapist you choose. If you have to alter your budget to
afford it that's fine; if it obliterates your budget then
look for someone with a lower fee. If you have to cut out
dining out 3 times a week or paying for your morning
coffees, that's altering your budget. If you cannot afford
to pay your rent/mortgage, that's obliterating your budget.
Finally, don't forget what you already know. You get what
you pay for. Do higher prices mean better service? Not
necessarily, but a quality and effective therapist will
charge within the average range for the area. When you're
ready to enhance your life or get help with a current
crisis, a therapist might be just the one to call.
About the Author:
Tonya Ladipo, LCSW, is therapist who practices in
Philadelphia and specializes in helping Black women learn
new ways of interacting with people so that their own needs
are considered and met. Tonya is available here: Good
Therapy and Therapist Winter Springs
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