By: Tonja Weimer

Do you know what it takes to find a great relationship when you are an older, experienced, somewhat weathered grownup …and it looks like dating is just for the "young"? Being single and over forty presents its own set of terms and demands. You need the tools, skills, techniques, and courage to press through the resistance to getting out and meeting people.

And, at a mature age, there is more to it than that.  If you want to date… and if you are still looking to find the love of your life…you not only are called upon to become the person you are looking for…you want to become the person your soul mate is looking for. This is the challenge, and the great gift of being single and over forty.  You have reached a time in life where you have motivations and opportunities that didn't exist before.

Unearthing and polishing the qualities required for a soulful relationship begin with considering your integrity. The poem, "The Invitation," by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, speaks to this value:

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing...

How closely you live your life in alignment with who you say you are, who you want to be, and the actions you take to back up your words, brings you into your integrity.  The greater your integrity, the more you are able to connect with the spirit of others.

Some people are born into families that live and model integrity, and therefore, carry it with them from their childhood.  Some discover their values after experiencing loss and resurrection.  And others search for the answers to what comprises a substantive life in every conversation, book, class, mentoring session, or meaningful event they find for themselves.  Whatever path you take, arriving at the core of what matters to you will bring a greater richness to your life…and the relationship you seek.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive...

Integrity is achieved when you have addressed the following areas:

* Completeness. You are complete when you have cleaned up your past and present.  You have made your apologies, communicated your requests, changed your life in ways that make it work, and know how to keep your agreements. Because you are complete, you are comfortable in the present, without distractions, not worrying about the past or the future.

* Balance.  A balance of energy is achieved when you invest in the important areas of your life.  You know when and how to devote the appropriate amount of time to your career, friends and family, community, health, fun and recreation, and spiritual life.  Your goals are aligned with your values.  Your actions follow your promises and your life is based on fact… not fantasy or illusions.

* Responsibility. Responsible people do not blame or complain.  No one else is making them unhappy.  They know it is their job to give themselves contentment, peace, and the reserves to steer their way through the rough patches. When things don't go their way, they make the necessary adjustments so the problem doesn't occur again.  People with integrity take responsibility for all that happens to them.

Having integrity is a choice.  Ask yourself:

1.  Where does my life lack integrity right now and how do I know this?  Am I incessantly distracted, so I don't have to face what I am running away from?
2.  What five big or small changes could I make right now that would restore my integrity?
3.  What small habits could I begin doing tomorrow that would bring a big change in my life?
4.  What ten shoulds, coulds, woulds, or oughts, can I eliminate from my life?
5.  What other things can I let go of that I know are not good for me?

Visualize what your life would look and feel like if you were always telling the truth, being patient and kind to others, doing a good job, and surrounded by people who love and support you.  This is the kind of life that makes you attractive and magnetizes people.

…It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Being an over forty single with integrity, you know enough to realize that you are humbled by your past, mature enough to forgive yourself and others, and brave enough to embrace what lies ahead. 

You are ready for a real relationship.